this is embarrassing

i do not want it. okay, im lying. i want it just a little, since i sometimes complained about my drooping eyelids. i have friends in ust who sometimes ask if im sleepy or what.i even had a teacher who called me to recite because i looked bored to her. im not! it's just my eyes!

but it seems not only the people in ust notice my eyes. my mother also. well, she should, she's my mother after all. and so, she insisted that i have blepharoplasty, a.k.a. eyelid surgery. i forgot the chinese term, even though i heard it at least 50 times already.

it all began when my sister started complaining about her eyelids. she actually had the same operation when she was 15 years old. she did it few weeks before her high school graduation. her doctor was recommended by our paternal aunt who had her 3 daughters undergo the same operation. i guess it runs in the family. well anyway, my sister was complaining and she wants to undergo the same operation again. so my mother brought her to a plastic surgeon in metropolitan medical center. her previous surgeon is already retired. my little brother and i had to tag along because our car is still not in sshs, so we have nowhere to go but come with them. so this plastic surgeon, dr. sia tiong gam, looked at her eyelids while i tried to stop my brother from destroying the clock in the room. i dont know what's wrong with him and why he seemed so fascinated with the ticking clock.

anyway, the doctor advised my sister not to undergo the procedure because she already did it once and the second time might make it worse instead. my mother, thinking that her time is wasted, called me to ask the doctor if "i" could have the surgery instead. the doc indeed agreed that my eyes dont look lively enough. i told my mom im not so sure about the procedure so we left. but i guess my mother got bothered with the doctor's opinion so she started calling hospitals and looking for surgeons who can do the procedure. she even called belo and calayan. haha. but she doesnt like belo because, well, you saw belo's eyes. not exactly a good example.

i told my mom yes to the operation if she could find a good doctor and at the same time cheap. well, she did the challenge and went back to sia tiong gam. and told the doc to do it this monday. THIS MONDAY! as in, yesterday. of course, i was surprise. im gonna meet you guys this friday and saturday. my eyes, i mean my eyelids, wouldnt be a pretty sight even on that day. but it was already book and my mother insists the earlier the better so i would look more normal on enrollment day on may 27. thanks mom.

and so, here i am now. a monster. my chicken ass brother got scared the first time he saw me yesterday. my sister brought him to my room to see me and all he did was grabbed my sister's hand like a 2 year old and talked to my sister in this little voice, "baba na tayo, atsi." he's 11 years old for pete's sake!

cant exactly blame the dude. i also dont like looking at myself in the mirror. morbid. my eyelids are swelling and colored violet. each of my eyelid is sewn together making them bulge more. and because i really want to gross you out, there's dry blood on the sewn part making it look more disgusting. my eyes look smaller and until now, they are still not...in equal sizes? basta, hindi siya pantay! i dont know why.

the operation took more than an hour. i dont know why again. my sister's took less than an hour and hers was painless. guess it depends on the surgeon. the operation took place at the new bldg. at the back. on the 13th floor. lucky me. a nurse asked me to wear a hospital gown over my street clothes and asked me to change my sandals with the slippers the hospital provided. they asked me to lie down the operating table? bed? a nurse cleaned my face with a lot of...tissue wipes? haha, i dont really know. two big glaring lights blinded me when they opened. surprisingly, i did not get scared. then i saw doc sia tiong gam, complete with a cap and mask. thank God, i did not see him with a scalpel. i just blinked up at him while he talked to his assistant, a guy who flirts a lot with the nurses. a nurse came up to the doc and asked him about numbers. sizes apparently. sizes of what? i found out later it's the injection. or size of the syringe. i dont know. they did my right eyelid first. i was awake the whole time and the only pain i felt was something slicing on my eyelids. i also smelled different things like pentelpen and something burning.

most of the time, i just listened to the conversation around me. the surgeon was concentrating and did not talk much. but his assistant? the flirt. he talked, joked, cajoled, teased and did other verbal actions that got the two nurses (one married, the other one graduating next next week i think) giggling and flirting back. the assistant only got a little quiet when the surgeon asked him for the skin hooker. i dont know what it looks like but it apparently hooks my eyelid and pulls it open. it doesnt hurt because the slicing part i first felt in the beginning turns out to be the big injection, which has anaesthesia, piercing through my skin. ugh. anyway, my eyes were open most of the time when they got at the sewing part. i saw the thread. i saw the tool they used as a needle, and well, i just told myself to calm down and not panic. i think that i was basically expressionless throughout the whole procedure. poker face. haha. yep, expressionless even when i heard the assistant made a sound because the thread broke. even when i felt my own blood run down my face. even when i saw blood on the clothe the nurse was holding. thinking back now, i dont know how i manage it.

i talked to God a couple of times. basically asked him to make everything all right.
and yeah, i guess everything will be fine---after many weeks. thank God the bleeding stop today, yesterday, i can still feel blood dripping from my operation, scared my mother. parang im crying blood kasi. haha.

im actually so pathetic yesterday. i had nothing to do. i cant read book because my eyes have trouble focusing. i cant even look up straight because it hurts, so im always looking down. angie, this is the reason why i cant ym with you yesterday, i have trouble looking at the screen. haha. i feel better now. ponstan works! i dont feel any pain right now, except if i sneeze or laugh out loud. the only irritating thing so far is when my sister and mother stares at me like i sprout horns on my head. my brother still refuses to come near me. his loss.

right now, i always have my sunglass and eyeglass with me. even when im in the cr. i just dont feel right exposing my morbidness, if there's such a word, to people around me.

when you see me, dont stare.

hey yo!

mwahaha...bwahaha....

well, anyway, my bro (the elder one) is going to atlanta, georgia (is that the right spelling?) tomorrow monday. he's going to stay there for two months. his company, mitchell and madison (again, not sure with the spelling), is sending him there because they lack people. he's the one chosen because he's already an american citizen due to being born there 22 years ago.dang it, he always has all the luck.

life is again...so good!!! no big brother for two months!! bwahaha. dont worry, i dont hate the elder dude, we (the rest of the siblings and i) just got use to no big brother on weekdays. and guess what, for some unknown reason, we prefer it when he's living in an aunt's house. just gets to show you that we're not really a close family. huhuhu...sniff!

im serious now: you know what makes me cry? not because of sadness but because of anger? my father. he can be crappy some times. but im not going to make an issue here. just want to vent a little of something out.

well, at least he's the one who paid for most of the things my brother will need in the u.s., like clothes, techie stuff and other tsuva. well, he should, after what he's always doing. nakakainis talaga. naaawa ako sa mama ko.

well, anyway, you guys enjoy your summer!! im trying to. it's just that i already have scars because of the bloody warts!! dont worry guys, im facing this wart problem as bravely as i can. ;)