Can't Freaking Help It

i need anger management lessons.

what do you feel when you're angry? i feel like....wanting to murder. i feel that my anger is justified. though i know that it is wrong, i want to relish my anger. i want it to burn me...to control me...to make me do whatever i wanted to do...because i feel 99.9% sure that i would have no regrets in the end.

normally, i dont easily get angry. i only easily get angry with my family. especially my siblings. most especially my sister. even though her actions may seem innocent and harmless to others, i feel that she does things just to spite me. i feel that she enjoys seeing me suffer. she's just so...hate-able.

a while ago, while we were watching tv, i commented something the show have no logic at all and my sister told me to shut up and go complain to the network of the show. she said it in an angry way. i guess she was pissed because she cant hear what the tv actors were saying. but what she didnt know (because i kept quiet) was that i got really mad with her shutting me up. mad enough to picture myself stabbing her a lot of times. yes, im a sadist. think whatever you like, but im just being frank with my feelings here. and yes, im exposing the blackness of my soul.

i know, im being ridiculous. i mean, there are times that i also told my sister to shut up so it is only normal that she can also tell me to shut up too. but that incident really pissed me off. when i think about it now, my anger seems ridiculous, but my heart feels that my anger is justified. and the lingering anger i still feel right now pushed me to go down from the third floor and open the CPU just to post on this blog. i cannot wait for tomorrow. tomorrow, the anger will be gone. but of course, it will easily return.

ugh. i just hate her. sarap patayin!

when im angry, i talk to God. and i said the same thing always. "I hope you can understand Father why i have a difficult time being serious about being a REAL Christian. it's just so difficult." i know i should ask for God's Spirit to give me a forgiving heart, but i just can't force myself to say that for i know it wouldnt come from the heart. how could it come from the heart when i feel that my "ridiculous" anger is justified. that i feel that i have the right to be angry.

i should be sleeping now. i was so sleepy a while ago that nakaidlip ako sa isang commercial ng survivor philippines. after many commercials, i decided to wash my face so i stood up to get a towel. pagdating ko sa CR, nandun na ate ko. kita mo, parang sinasadya talaga. eksakto pa na kailangan ko ang CR tsaka siya papasok. grr...

siyempre, nagkaroon uli ako ng visions. this time, sinasakal ko siya. im not a person who likes saying bad words, but when it comes to her, i really cant help but explicit some swear words. that's how much effect she has on me. i know this is bad. knowing that she can easily make me angry shows how much control she has on me. BUT I JUST CANT FREAKING HELP IT.

im not sleepy anymore. that's why im typing right now instead of sleeping. how can you be sleepy when you feel that your blood is boiling?

hay, the irony of life. i just passed the First Aid training we did today and instead of having a helpful heart, i feel like murdering someone. a very specific someone.

yes, marunong na ako CPR and rescue breathing (mouth to mouth). medyo marunong na rin maghanap ng blood pressure. kaya ako inaanok kanina kasi maaga gising ko from last tuesday to this friday. 4-day standard first aid training kasi member ako ng red cross youth council.

pero yeah...i dont feel any achievement...i just want to kill...kill my so-called twin. lagi na lang may nag-aakala na kambal kami!

i wish i could just be angelina of bubble gang and just say "Whatever." but truth is, life is not a simple 'whatever.' life is actually...$%^&*